sometimes its the little things

June 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , , , ,

Like when the gas station attendant where you unfortunately find yourself often grabbing a quick microwavable lunch recognizes you and, noting your downtrodden expression, your puffy red eyes, says, “But it’s such a beautiful day outside, isn’t it?” He then asks you if you know the band Iron Maiden, and informs you he’ll be seeing them tonight. He was drunk the last time he saw them, he said, but he promises to tell you how the show goes.

A guy from the other branch held the door for me on my way back into the building and said, “It’s such a beautiful day that you almost don’t want to come back in.” I smiled and said, “Makes me never want to go back to work.”

It’s been a tough few weeks, exponentially so because of distances and health concerns. I find little time and energy to update this thing. All I can say is, I go to work, I sleep, I wallow, I play the Sims. I am planning to sew a purse, to perhaps get into the hobby. I saw the Sex and the City movie and couldn’t have hoped for more; in every way it proved to me how I am a Charlotte, and how good it is to have girl-friends and to top bad days off with cabernet sauvignon.

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she ionizes & atomizes

May 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , , , ,

I am getting really tired of always having headaches, dull thuds in the back of my skull that turn to a general feeling of malaise and sea-sickness. I am here in my cubicle; I stayed home sick yesterday to nurse my head, and managed to sleep late today and get rid of the rest of it. Now it comes back in pangs, perhaps since the world outside is coated in yellow dust (or pollen). I’ve never been one for allergies, poor Z. is allergic to seafood (although if you’d ask him, he says the stuff looks gross regardless — I disagree!). Now I want sushi. Anyway, I’m in my cubicle listening to my iPod and sipping a guilty can of coke, I rationalize it is to cure this headache. Really, the amount of low-fat triscuits I ate today gave me no chance to recover from the upset stomach. I am, as they say, my own worst enemy.

I am, in fact, so bored that I just did that thing you are taught to do in Kindergarten, putting a quarter under a sheet of paper and scribbling over it ono the sheet of paper to reveal an image transfer. This poor steno pad of mine is not going to last the summer.

Now I am listening to the Gin Blossoms, a song from the Empire Records soundtrack; the movie itself, I regret to say, was mediocre at best. My former roommate showed it to me twice, raving about it having a cultish humor like my most favorite David Wain masterpiece Wet Hot American Summer. It tried very hard, I’ll give it that. It was cute, but I don’t know, predictable?  Yes. Also, Liv Tyler? I’m not a huge fan.

Worthless Empire Records trivia for you though, I know some friends-of-a-friend in Raliegh who have the first Rex Manning stand up that was made for the set.

I get so stressed out at this job even though its nothing even resembling what I want my career to be. The last two summers I worked here, I barely made any mistakes whether in reception or filing. This year already I’ve misdirected phonecalls, misfiled things, and generally forgotten all of the particulars of the job. All I wind up doing is reading blogs, the news, and shopping on etsy.

I’ll be heading to the mall, probably for a Panera dinner with C. again. It seems all my money disappears into the bottomless pit that is eating out, and you can tell by the drastic change in my figure (karma, I believe, for bragging to a former friend with weight problems that my thyroid pills would make me skinny. You think I’m a bitch now, you should have met me in elementary school.)

So another (albeit half) day down at the office, I’m about twenty minutes from go time. I feel refreshed in that I finished another book today, that makes 2 this month. I even read this 250ish page-r in one day. I’m feeling like the kid I was who used to participate (and pwn) the Sneaks the Cat BCPL Summer Reading Challenges. It’s been a slow recovery getting me to the point of having an attention span again, getting me back into the ebb and flow of being immersed in fiction. For a while I couldn’t even deal with subtitled movies in that it took so much focus, focus I took for granted, to deal with.

So yeah, I’ve run out of things to say. I have fifteen minutes left, a sore bum, and a quarter of a can of flat coke. Here’s to maybe purchasing some sunglasses perhaps, or maybe 10 minutes in Victoria’s Secret. Here’s to my mystery migraine sea-sickness not rearing its head again for the third night in a row.

Here’s to finding a way for Z. to visit me next weekend :]

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the lights go on when things don’t feel right

May 26, 2008 at 10:52 am · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , ,

The summer has been slow and lazy, hence the similar atmosphere to this blog. I’ve decided to keep it beyond the constraints of the assignment it was borne to. And despite my moanings, I managed a straight-A semester, one of the first in my lifetime. I am insanely proud of myself. My paper on The Shining was merited as being intelligent and a fresh look at the subject, which I can wholeheartedly chalk up to being a writing center tutor. Working there has allowed me to find new ways to organize papers, and to express my thoughts.

What have I done since I’ve been home? Work. Sleep. We went to the bay to visit some family friends on Saturday, and Sunday I went out with C., a friend from home, to see Indiana Jones IV and pay far too much money for everything. Today I’ll be having lunch with an old friend with whom I’ve fallen out of touch with over the years. More on that after it happens.

Last night amidst strange dreams (being in a room with Z. and his mother, and it was flooding) I had one where I read a beautiful poem I wrote about a little boy missing his father in Iraq.  Don’t you hate that, when you write a beautiful poem in your sleep, and can’t remember it when you wake up?

All I remember is the last line:
i have no idea how to get to mexico,
to san diego, or inside of my own shoe.

Ok, maybe it wasn’t beautiful, but in the dream I had such a sense of accomplishment reading it out loud to a classroom.

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you remind me of a firework, boy

May 19, 2008 at 10:13 pm · Filed under General Reflection, Photography ·Tagged , , , ,

washed up

So I spent the week in Boone, in Kill Devil Hills, interstates, in between. I collected starfish and scrabble losses, found a charm bracelet at an antique store, found a washed up weather buoy (above) that stood at about 15-20 feet tall, found fear at the crest of a hill on some detour with a wall of cloud in front of us, tornado funnels peeking like fingers from its belly. We sang songs, Z. and I, kept each other entertained the whole 6 hours back and forth. We spent the last night in a hotel in Winston-Salem for fear of going towards eastern Tennessee where the tornadoes were apparently spawned. I ate alligator on the shore. I saw a wedding from a kayak on the Sound, heard the classical guitars wafting over the waves, watched in my bathing suit. I scraped my foot on a duck blind, the scar will be wicked. I got sunburn. I made promises, made sure.

I’m in a friend’s dorm room now, too tired to take the last 5 hrs today. I miss Z., who can blame me? Don’t know exactly when I’ll see him again (June, sometime). This is the last hurdle before we become short distance, become a solid item, become the unit that faces the future (apartments, baltimore, everything.)

He got me through a tornado with my head in my knees and my shoulders all shaking. He tells me things are alright, that they will be alright, don’t panic. He tells me I am beautiful. I pulled a spirit card (El. showed me her deck, I was quick to try it) that told me the tornado was a learning experience, learning how to open up and trust others, to not be so guarded.

cute faces

I didn’t mean to go off on this tangent, or maybe I did. I’m more private than I let on, I think, guarded yes, but open. Mirah says it best:

you know all of my secret ideas
the ones i’m giving up on and the ones i’ll keep
and everybody sees a funny look in our eyes
cos we know that we already won the sweepstakes prize

i ask you if you ever think that maybe
it’s what’s inside of us that drives us crazy
fingers feeling underneath your skin
there’s blood and bones and some rivers to fall in

i’m so lucky cos i asked you once, ‘hey what are you doing?
do you wanna come up for a cup of tea?
come visit with me
we’ll play guitars and I’ll give you my number

i’d tell you why but i don’t know
it’s simple and so complicated
i could walk all day on the railroad tracks
but there’s much more to it than that

mirah – sweepstakes prize

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this giant delay in posts brought to you by finals

May 9, 2008 at 2:03 pm · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged

This is what I’ve learned about life (as told to a friend):

“The thing about Karma is that it only happens when you’re an asshat and then pretend like you’re the only person in the world who isn’t.”

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the sun shines in the bedroom when you play

April 28, 2008 at 10:25 am · Filed under General Reflection, Photography ·Tagged , , ,

What a weekend indeed. I have neglected you recently, poor wordpress, and for that I apologize. This weekend I took El. to Boone with me to meet some new people.

Friday: We arrived in mid-afternoon, at which I promptly took somewhat of a nap as Z. checked my oil and transmission fluid (the car was acting weird on the drive). Both seemed somewhat in order though the former was a gross color and perhaps needed to be changed. Then we set out for Cookout, where I got gross food and then took an antibiotic too fast. I spent the next twenty minutes attempting to sleep while Z. took us on a tour of the Blue Ridge Parkway, then up to Howard’s Knob (the mountain that overlooks Boone.) My stomach finally settled and we headed down to hang out on campus, before possibly seeing D. in an ensemble.

It was very spring-like to see a mallard duck at the duck pond had ducklings. I’m such a city girl, Z. says, as I have never seen ducklings before. Not in the wild at least. I chased after them with my cellphone aloft, trying to take decent pictures (cursing about leaving the camera in the car.) We never did make it back there for actual pictures of the little fuzzballs. We headed over to cut back to the car, and ran into D.’s parents by the statue of Yosef. After that I took a migraine induced nap while Z. and El. chatted, then we went to D.’s for the evening to watch (and in my case, sleep through) No Country for Old Men.

Saturday: The day started at noon when we woke up. We went to Our Daily Bread for lunch with Ma., one of Z.’s friends, and had delicious (SERIOUSLY DELICIOUS) sandwiches. Um… then we passed time, I can’t exactly remember how. I think we left El. at the App Library for a while to spend time alone, then got ready for Z.’s first solo show that night. The show was located in the tiny second floor of the coffee shop beansTalk in downtown Boone. Poor Z. was so nervous, but I think he did a fabulous job. The second act, eh. Then Mika/ElfOwl played and… wow. One thing in the world I wish I had, a unique and talented singing voice.

After that, we purchased some drinks and went back to D.’s where, after the guys had an extended jam session, we teamed up to play drunken clue, and drunken charades (though we had sobered up impressively by the latter, and yet still played.) El. wound up staying at D.’s and the privacy was well appreciated.

These three hours get more painful each time I travel them.

Sunday: The day started again around noon, Z. and I had hot pockets for lunch and then the four of us headed out on what I shall now refer to as the Surprise!Epic Hike. I was under the impression we were going to take a drive on the Parkway, instead we parked at Cone Manor and took what wikipedia describes as a “leisurely hike.” I beg to differ. Since I had only thought that we were taking a drive, I foolishly wore flip flops.

Four and a half miles of leisurely hiking.

In flip flops.

In the mild to moderate but consistent downpour.

This was the first picture I took.
See that glimmer of lake down there?
Yeah. That’s where we hiked to. And back.

It probably wasn’t that impressive of a hike to most, but as Z. and I have proclaimed often, we are indoors kids. We don’t hike really. D. and El. got way ahead of us, made it back to the car a half hour before we did. I swear when Z. and I made it to the top of the mountain again we looked like we had survived the apocalypse. We drove back, warmed up, and had a nice dinner at mountain house before dropping the boys off at a show and heading on our own three hour drive back home.

One of the best weekends ever, but I miss Z. the most that I’ve ever missed anything now.

Oh life.

Finals week is going to be fun, and by fun I mean a new kind of hell. I won’t list for you what I have to do, suffice it to say it won’t be fun.

Hopefully the boys will come visit this weekend for the Mayfest.

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cut his teeth on turquoise harmonicas

April 25, 2008 at 1:15 am · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , , , , , , ,

edit: Still not asleep, so instead I will recommend some new musicians to you:

Lloyd & Michael (tweeish, not what you would expect from the name).

Let me also point you to the myspace of The Sprites who have a song called, “I Started a Blog that Nobody Read” which kind of reminds me of the class discussion today.

I can’t tell how I feel about Mike Doughty (this page has streaming music), I’ll get back to you on it.

Scrabbel (yes, spelled that way) has a cool name, but the jury’s also out on this one. It kind of sounds like a less underwater-garbly-midwestern-retro version of Arthur & Yu (but then again, take away A&Y’s muted-like complete rip of every band from the 1960’s sound, and what are you left with?)

Don’t even get me started on A&Y though, I like a few of their songs but kind of as a musical novelty. They were opening for Iron & Wine this past September, and they were pretty bland live. They’re very much a studio band, in terms of the vast difference of sound between the stages (i.e. sounding articulated, mildly interesting, and wholly on key in the studio recordings as opposed to…)

I like bands that can hold their own live, but eh, to each their own.

Just kidding, I listened to their myspace while writing this rant about them, and they’re pretty boring in the studio too. The one good song of theirs is “The Ghost of Old Bull Lee” because it’s the only one that’s really got any complexity to it; alas, I guess it didn’t make it to the myspace.

Two more. Number one comes from the giant music dump I got in the past few weeks, (and now that I’ve had two sources, I can’t remember who this came from) Georgie James. The song I like is “Places” which you can find if you scroll down a little bit, to their embedded application rather than the standard myspace music player.

Number two, I may have mentioned her earlier, but ElfOwl is a friend of Z.’s who makes gorgeous music. She’ll be playing at this show on Saturday night, and I’m psyched to see her sing live. I particularly suggest the song “Marianne” which I definitely mentioned earlier, as it was the inspiration for my poem “Emporia and the Long Drive.”

Ok, I lied. Last one, oldie but goodie (ew, I actually used that phrase.) Matthew Sweet has always been a staple around my house, more recently in his newer band The Thorns, but I am partial to Girlfriend and 100% Fun. In fact, the song “Girlfriend” in particular has been the song I use in the mornings as of late to pump me up. Linking to him is proving difficult, apparently his website is down and his myspace is a more recent collaborative effort of covers with Susanna Hoffs, a name I haven’t heard since I was like, 12, and my dad bought me a cd of hers.

We’ll just go old school. “Sick of Myself.”

And at one point there was an actual, non-music-related entry here

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late at night i’m filled with fear

April 22, 2008 at 7:50 am · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , ,

Oh it has been an interesting weekend indeed. Saturday was “National Record Store Day” so Mom and I stocked up at Plan 9 in Grandin. By stocked up I mean she bought 3 cds and was rewarded with an extra bag full of samplers (3 vinyl samplers, 3 cd samplers). I bought a used copy of Matthew Sweet’s “100% Fun” the day before because I didn’t know about this record store day phenomenon.

We watched the movie Snow Angels, which follows in the same vein of The Ice Storm as a character study about depressed people in cold climates. It was a really, really depressing film and I came out feeling a sense of dread. Is this what the future holds? Not that I necessarily think I am fated for such a depressing life, but will I know people like this? Are people really like this?

I’ve struggled through some interpersonal issues lately as well, none that I can particularly talk about, but suffice it to say I am ready to spend a few months in Baltimore with old and true friends.

Even with my renewed interest in school and the idea of an honors thesis, the fact that I got all the classes I want finally (YAY Intro to Photography), I am still beyond ready to graduate and get the hell out of dodge so to speak.

Now, time to nap a bit before class.

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heeeeere’s johnny

April 19, 2008 at 12:50 am · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , , ,

Mom is visiting for the weekend; it’s nice, like a ladies vacation. Today I took her downtown where I bought some incense to lighten the  mood of my room, and she bought a coexist bumper sticker. We listened to the mix cd that my younger brother made for each of us (the same one, two copies.) We ate at the restaurant where El. works, I made faces at her through the window and ate too much food (story of my life.) I had two of the hardest sessions at the Writing Center this morning, but the second one was my favorite. RHWD told my mother that I was the ideal advisee, officially signed my honors thesis form, and agreed with me that I am already done my major and minor (woo!)

We watched the Shining tonight, finally renting it from Blockbuster after having no luck purchasing it at Target, Wal-mart, or Best Buy. I even got a legion of Best Buy employees to help scour the racks for the two copies that their computer said were in stock. Mom had never seen it before, and it was my third time. I’m going to write my film paper on the themes of isolation, on how no one spoke to each other really, just at each other.

We mused over tea (and chai) in Mill Mountain. Mom bought me some hemp milk from the Co-Op, hoping to replace my fondness for soy milk (thanks to soy products interfering with thyroid meds.) We’ll see how it tastes.

I called to say goodnight to the boyfriend at around 1:20AM only to find him traversing the mountainous back-roads of “I’m-so-totally-fucking-lost” North Carolina with his friends. It’s silly, but it sent me into Jewish-Girlfriend-level paranoia about cars driving off cliffs and the 1974 version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

To quote the Avett Brothers (as I oft find myself doing), “With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still?”

I’m so tired but semi-scared of the prospect of Shining related nightmares. C’est la vie.

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in their continual oscillation of mood

April 17, 2008 at 1:25 pm · Filed under General Reflection ·Tagged , , , ,

+I am already finished my Major, Concentration, and Minor before my senior year. Before second semester of Junior year, actually.
+I am a math, a science, a phys-ed, and two language semesters away from being a graduate.
+I got an honors thesis
+I (immediately) got the honors thesis advisor I wanted (who also said he recommended me! score!)
+Mom’s coming to visit this weekend
+I am one class away from the end of this week
+I am in denial about the work I will have to do this next week
+There were sundaes with lunch. There was also delicious ravioli.
+I am taking intro to photography next semester.
+Next semester will be easy enough to take on a second job
+Next semester I will be living with the boyfriend

Even if this is manic mood swings brought on by eventual thyroid death, today has been a damn good day. The sun is shining. This is life, and everything’s alright (to quote Daniel Johnston.)

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