Archive for May, 2008

she ionizes & atomizes

I am getting really tired of always having headaches, dull thuds in the back of my skull that turn to a general feeling of malaise and sea-sickness. I am here in my cubicle; I stayed home sick yesterday to nurse my head, and managed to sleep late today and get rid of the rest of it. Now it comes back in pangs, perhaps since the world outside is coated in yellow dust (or pollen). I’ve never been one for allergies, poor Z. is allergic to seafood (although if you’d ask him, he says the stuff looks gross regardless — I disagree!). Now I want sushi. Anyway, I’m in my cubicle listening to my iPod and sipping a guilty can of coke, I rationalize it is to cure this headache. Really, the amount of low-fat triscuits I ate today gave me no chance to recover from the upset stomach. I am, as they say, my own worst enemy.

I am, in fact, so bored that I just did that thing you are taught to do in Kindergarten, putting a quarter under a sheet of paper and scribbling over it ono the sheet of paper to reveal an image transfer. This poor steno pad of mine is not going to last the summer.

Now I am listening to the Gin Blossoms, a song from the Empire Records soundtrack; the movie itself, I regret to say, was mediocre at best. My former roommate showed it to me twice, raving about it having a cultish humor like my most favorite David Wain masterpiece Wet Hot American Summer. It tried very hard, I’ll give it that. It was cute, but I don’t know, predictable?  Yes. Also, Liv Tyler? I’m not a huge fan.

Worthless Empire Records trivia for you though, I know some friends-of-a-friend in Raliegh who have the first Rex Manning stand up that was made for the set.

I get so stressed out at this job even though its nothing even resembling what I want my career to be. The last two summers I worked here, I barely made any mistakes whether in reception or filing. This year already I’ve misdirected phonecalls, misfiled things, and generally forgotten all of the particulars of the job. All I wind up doing is reading blogs, the news, and shopping on etsy.

I’ll be heading to the mall, probably for a Panera dinner with C. again. It seems all my money disappears into the bottomless pit that is eating out, and you can tell by the drastic change in my figure (karma, I believe, for bragging to a former friend with weight problems that my thyroid pills would make me skinny. You think I’m a bitch now, you should have met me in elementary school.)

So another (albeit half) day down at the office, I’m about twenty minutes from go time. I feel refreshed in that I finished another book today, that makes 2 this month. I even read this 250ish page-r in one day. I’m feeling like the kid I was who used to participate (and pwn) the Sneaks the Cat BCPL Summer Reading Challenges. It’s been a slow recovery getting me to the point of having an attention span again, getting me back into the ebb and flow of being immersed in fiction. For a while I couldn’t even deal with subtitled movies in that it took so much focus, focus I took for granted, to deal with.

So yeah, I’ve run out of things to say. I have fifteen minutes left, a sore bum, and a quarter of a can of flat coke. Here’s to maybe purchasing some sunglasses perhaps, or maybe 10 minutes in Victoria’s Secret. Here’s to my mystery migraine sea-sickness not rearing its head again for the third night in a row.

Here’s to finding a way for Z. to visit me next weekend :]

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the lights go on when things don’t feel right

The summer has been slow and lazy, hence the similar atmosphere to this blog. I’ve decided to keep it beyond the constraints of the assignment it was borne to. And despite my moanings, I managed a straight-A semester, one of the first in my lifetime. I am insanely proud of myself. My paper on The Shining was merited as being intelligent and a fresh look at the subject, which I can wholeheartedly chalk up to being a writing center tutor. Working there has allowed me to find new ways to organize papers, and to express my thoughts.

What have I done since I’ve been home? Work. Sleep. We went to the bay to visit some family friends on Saturday, and Sunday I went out with C., a friend from home, to see Indiana Jones IV and pay far too much money for everything. Today I’ll be having lunch with an old friend with whom I’ve fallen out of touch with over the years. More on that after it happens.

Last night amidst strange dreams (being in a room with Z. and his mother, and it was flooding) I had one where I read a beautiful poem I wrote about a little boy missing his father in Iraq.  Don’t you hate that, when you write a beautiful poem in your sleep, and can’t remember it when you wake up?

All I remember is the last line:
i have no idea how to get to mexico,
to san diego, or inside of my own shoe.

Ok, maybe it wasn’t beautiful, but in the dream I had such a sense of accomplishment reading it out loud to a classroom.

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you remind me of a firework, boy

washed up

So I spent the week in Boone, in Kill Devil Hills, interstates, in between. I collected starfish and scrabble losses, found a charm bracelet at an antique store, found a washed up weather buoy (above) that stood at about 15-20 feet tall, found fear at the crest of a hill on some detour with a wall of cloud in front of us, tornado funnels peeking like fingers from its belly. We sang songs, Z. and I, kept each other entertained the whole 6 hours back and forth. We spent the last night in a hotel in Winston-Salem for fear of going towards eastern Tennessee where the tornadoes were apparently spawned. I ate alligator on the shore. I saw a wedding from a kayak on the Sound, heard the classical guitars wafting over the waves, watched in my bathing suit. I scraped my foot on a duck blind, the scar will be wicked. I got sunburn. I made promises, made sure.

I’m in a friend’s dorm room now, too tired to take the last 5 hrs today. I miss Z., who can blame me? Don’t know exactly when I’ll see him again (June, sometime). This is the last hurdle before we become short distance, become a solid item, become the unit that faces the future (apartments, baltimore, everything.)

He got me through a tornado with my head in my knees and my shoulders all shaking. He tells me things are alright, that they will be alright, don’t panic. He tells me I am beautiful. I pulled a spirit card (El. showed me her deck, I was quick to try it) that told me the tornado was a learning experience, learning how to open up and trust others, to not be so guarded.

cute faces

I didn’t mean to go off on this tangent, or maybe I did. I’m more private than I let on, I think, guarded yes, but open. Mirah says it best:

you know all of my secret ideas
the ones i’m giving up on and the ones i’ll keep
and everybody sees a funny look in our eyes
cos we know that we already won the sweepstakes prize

i ask you if you ever think that maybe
it’s what’s inside of us that drives us crazy
fingers feeling underneath your skin
there’s blood and bones and some rivers to fall in

i’m so lucky cos i asked you once, ‘hey what are you doing?
do you wanna come up for a cup of tea?
come visit with me
we’ll play guitars and I’ll give you my number

i’d tell you why but i don’t know
it’s simple and so complicated
i could walk all day on the railroad tracks
but there’s much more to it than that

mirah – sweepstakes prize

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this giant delay in posts brought to you by finals

This is what I’ve learned about life (as told to a friend):

“The thing about Karma is that it only happens when you’re an asshat and then pretend like you’re the only person in the world who isn’t.”

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